São Paulo, June 23th, 2009

I like São Paulo.

Today I went to this cultural fair put on by the local gay radio station - it was held in an old old old mansion (see photos - grimy and RAD) At one booth (sandwiched between the HIV testing table and a t-shirt stand where a flaming Brazilian was singing loudly "Do you believe in life after love") I bought . . . a new black cardigan made by a local designer, and a necklace made out of buttons (by the São Paulo mother's club)... then I paid $20 Reais for a killer chair massage from the cutest little cross-eyed Asian-Brazilian man.

After leaving the fair I passed by a street artist making these impressive sculptures out of wire...come to find out he is Colombian (Hallelujah) so we started blabbing away in Spanish and I bought a wire sculpture of a guitar upon which he added my name - too cool.


I have this habit when I'm traveling or living in other countries of going to the same cafe/bar/restaurant/bookstore again and again. I'm pretty sure this repeat-visit-addiction is due to the fact that it makes me feel like a "local" - like I actually know where I'm going and what I'm doing. I went back to the cafe today where I had my ridiculously sweet mocha yesterday and I was so excited when the girl behind the counter called out my name when my hot chocolate was ready I almost fell out of my chair. Granted she called me "Tiana" but I was so thrilled that she somewhat remembered me that I shot up like I had just won bingo and said (a little too loudly) "Eu sou, aqui!!!" - (That's me, over here!!!)

It was pretty much hilarious.



Anyhoo, I'd love to tell you that everything is divine and perfect and I'm partying like a rockstar... but in all honesty, I was feeling a little sad today. Since my day at the beach I haven't done much of anything... Even on my birthday - I spent most of the day alone. It's kind of hard to navigate in São Paulo by yourself and it can be dangerous - plus it's quite a bus ride from where I'm staying and since I don't really have any friends here - I have found myself staying in the condo quite a bit. Staying in = overthinking and overthinking leads to thoughts like "What is my place in the world? Where do I belong? Will I ever be satisfied going back to live in the US? How am I going to make a living with my music? Who am I?". . . and so forth. Don't get me wrong I am SOOO lucky to be staying with this family and to be safe and cared for, It's just that my thoughts were getting to me and after what a mess it has been to plan my upcoming trip - I was feeling like a bit of a burden :(

Here is the conclusion I have come to - It is easy to be inline with your "Paz interior" when NOTHING IS GOING WRONG... however ... it is much more difficult to stay calm when things just don't seem to be going so smoothly. Today was a test - THIS IS ONLY A TEST - So that I could practice remaining calm in the face of adversity. I spent most of the day today trying to secure my flights for my trips to Rio and Bahia, it was nothing short of a disaster. I became so frustrated trying to navigate through the details in my third language and I began to feel like a total burden on this family I'm staying with. I felt my eyes starting to well up and my chest was constricting. I just wanted to run out of the house and never come back. I took a shower instead. Finally Rose offered to buy the three one way tickets on her CC and I would pay her back in cash - and by the afternoon my trip was finally secured. I bought three one way tickets (I've been doing this one-way thing a lot lately)

June 29th - São Paulo --> Rio de Janeiro
July 2nd - Rio de Janeiro --> Salvador (Bahia)
July 6th - Salvador --> São Paulo

I am excited to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel and the fact that I will be traveling for the next couple of weeks.

Tomorrow night I'm leaving with some new friends for their mountain house in Campos de Jordão. I am really really really excited that I am going to be spending four days lounging, cooking, playing music, drinking, hiking, and taking in the sights in Campos... I have a feeling it is going to be just what I need to clear my head. The morning after I get back I have an early flight to Rio de Janeiro... I can't believe I'm actually going to visit Corcovado - when I've only ever sang of it's beauty :) hee hee.

So about that TEST today... I didn't pass with flying colors ... but that's ok, I have a feeling that life will give me plenty more opportunities to take the test again, and again, and again. That's just the way it works. Unfortunately ... and Fortunately :)